my body hates me

well as per totally on time. I try something to change my life and something in my body freaks out.  I have to have 2 teeth extracted asap. they were gonna do it with me awake.....a....fuck no....so i just got finished redoing all my appointments, cause I can barely stay in a dentist chair for a cleaning, let along total extraction. especially since 1 tooth is broken completely off down to the gums....what they gonna do?? carve it out???? fuck i don't wanna be awake for that. Ill risk death by being placed under. if I die. just play Sunno0))))) & Vomir for hours and hours as loud as possible. And have no talking, just loud music for an hour or two. then light me on fire.   And try to be kind and gentle to everyone. I am super anti-human yes, but that doesn't give me an excuse to act just like all those I hate that have made me this way. 

so its 2.45 pm  i decided to have a beer, I know I'm a semi alcoholic. I prolly haven't been drunk in months and months, but i do drink a beer or two almost every day to calm nerves. 
fuck.

I'm currrently giving 'Deafest' a run through right now.  I wanted to try something new as I was doing shit in my room.   But I will highly recommend. "Ser." Listened all the way though the recorded output last night and man I really like what they are doing. I would love to review them, or interview that kind of stuff. so good! I am still struggling with the question of should I write them to ask for things or should I wait till folks find me out. This whole adventure is about all of that. How will I collect me info for my zine?

Ser really helped this manic depressive through a bad night. I am getting a few more emails about people sending stuff and I have received back 2 interviews. They could not be further apart in the reaction to my questions. Quite interesting. Lots to think about. But I really appreciate each person taking the time to do it for me. Really getting excited about the printed physical zine.

So I cannot work (my paid job) until a while now cause of the surgery, hey 3rd major one in 3 years!!!!!....fuck me I need just 1 week to go well, I cannot even get that.....

Well. I hope to record a lot of pain in these next few days. The emotions I am feeling all will feed into my wall I am going to be working on. I have decided just to do 2 songs for the next release. I know the title, will release it soon.   Basically have all the artwork, have side 1 totally done. Just need #2 to hit me in a sence of finality

I plan on doing some other recording right now since I got at least a week of off work time, granted much of it will be in pain time, but remember i dont really watch tv.   So this would be a great time to get me to do a split or a song for a comp or something. Im here. I got my whole set up out and ready to go. So, I will be doing a bunch of recording for myself. but will gladly uses this time for other things.

Until then hail the drone, hail the wall, fuck idols and leaders....i hope to be alive next time this week, but this could be it for me....i might be dead a week from now if the surgery goes bad.........